As 2013 comes to an end, I can't help but feel the desire to run. I get this feeling a lot. It's a part of my depression and I can't help it.
It's hard to describe what goes on in my mind and most of the time, I don't know where to start. Most of the time, my mind is off in a world that cannot and will never be. Maybe that's why I always want to run. People try to cheer me up and it doesn't work; it can't. I'm sorry but it's the truth. I am an introvert and unless you are one too, you don't know how I feel all the time.
While I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life, it's hard for me to go out and especially meet new people. I had a lot of friends growing up, but since most of them have gotten married and moved on with their lives, I feel like I've been shoved to the side. I don't have very many friends anymore. It's hard to not feel alone, especially when someone invites you to a party and tells you to bring someone and all I think about is who?
One of the problems with living in a small town, is the fact that I've known a lot of the people my whole life. I know how a lot of guys treat women around here. It's too easy to have rumors spread about you. The worst part is that there isn't anything to do. I wake up, go to work, come home, practice the piano, go to bed and it's the same think the very next day and the day after that. The only thing really to do after work is go to a bar and drink. I don't drink very much and I don't really like being around drunk people. That makes it really hard to meet new people.
Most people don't know why I want to get out of Bishop so bad. This is why. I have lived here my whole life. I've always felt like an outcast even when I had a lot of friends. Being a tomboy, I've always known how to be another one of the guys but now I feel like I will never know what it is to be more that just that. I know I have a very specific type of guy that I'm attracted to and everyone expects me to be the one who changes. But you see that's the thing. I shouldn't have to. People always ask me why I don't wear makeup. I'll be honest. It's because when I do,for a slight moment, I actually see a beautiful women before me and it scares me. I've always felt invincible.
This is why at 31 years old, I've given up. I keep thinking that if I can just get away, I might, just might, meet someone and maybe, just maybe, I could actually be happy for once. Everyone tells me that I'm too young to give up. Honestly though, I'm almost 32 and it starts getting dangerous for women to have children around 35. If I happen to meet someone, great, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't want anyone to be upset by this. This is who I am. I am a hopeless romantic who is scared shitless of falling in love.
Online dating is pointless. I've tried many, many, many times and the type of guy that I like, isn't interested. I want someone who will keep me active, take me on hikes and thinks that taking a walk through a park is the ideal first date. I want someone who is physically fit and doesn't see me only as being overweight. I want someone who drinks only occasionally like me. I have one friend that insists that we try dating, but I don't know how to tell him that he is a friend and nothing more.
I know that I daydream about all the various actors that I like. The thing with that is that I know nothing will ever happen so when they go off and get married, I can't be heartbroken because nothing would have ever happen in the first place. I live too much inside my head which causes a lot of my wanting to run. Run away from everything. Start over and do my best to not have a permanent frown on my face. I love the people in my life, but I'm not always happy.
There are a couple of guys I like but I will never have the courage to do anything about it. One of them is a customer of mine, who happens to be five years younger than me, and the other is an online pen pal that I did actually get to meet once. It's hard being an introvert. I don't want to always be alone, but at the same time, I don't always want to be around people. It's confusing I know.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow is a new year. I have big plans for myself and we'll see if I can actually stick to them.