Run

As 2013 comes to an end, I can't help but feel the desire to run. I get this feeling a lot. It's a part of my depression and I can't help it.

It's hard to describe what goes on in my mind and most of the time, I don't know where to start. Most of the time, my mind is off in a world that cannot and will never be. Maybe that's why I always want to run. People try to cheer me up and it doesn't work; it can't. I'm sorry but it's the truth. I am an introvert and unless you are one too, you don't know how I feel all the time.

While I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life, it's hard for me to go out and especially meet new people. I had a lot of friends growing up, but since most of them have gotten married and moved on with their lives, I feel like I've been shoved to the side. I don't have very many friends anymore. It's hard to not feel alone, especially when someone invites you to a party and tells you to bring someone and all I think about is who?

One of the problems with living in a small town, is the fact that I've known a lot of the people my whole life. I know how a lot of guys treat women around here. It's too easy to have rumors spread about you. The worst part is that there isn't anything to do. I wake up, go to work, come home, practice the piano, go to bed and it's the same think the very next day and the day after that. The only thing really to do after work is go to a bar and drink. I don't drink very much and I don't really like being around drunk people. That makes it really hard to meet new people.

Most people don't know why I want to get out of Bishop so bad. This is why. I have lived here my whole life. I've always felt like an outcast even when I had a lot of friends. Being a tomboy, I've always known how to be another one of the guys but now I feel like I will never know what it is to be more that just that. I know I have a very specific type of guy that I'm attracted to and everyone expects me to be the one who changes. But you see that's the thing. I shouldn't have to. People always ask me why I don't wear makeup. I'll be honest. It's because when I do,for a slight moment, I actually see a beautiful women before me and it scares me. I've always felt invincible.

This is why at 31 years old, I've given up. I keep thinking that if I can just get away, I might, just might, meet someone and maybe, just maybe, I could actually be happy for once. Everyone tells me that I'm too young to give up. Honestly though, I'm almost 32 and it starts getting dangerous for women to have children around 35. If I happen to meet someone, great, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't want anyone to be upset by this. This is who I am. I am a hopeless romantic who is scared shitless of falling in love.

Online dating is pointless. I've tried many, many, many times and the type of guy that I like, isn't interested. I want someone who will keep me active, take me on hikes and thinks that taking a walk through a park is the ideal first date. I want someone who is physically fit and doesn't see me only as being overweight. I want someone who drinks only occasionally like me. I have one friend that insists that we try dating, but I don't know how to tell him that he is a friend and nothing more.

I know that I daydream about all the various actors that I like. The thing with that is that I know nothing will ever happen so when they go off and get married, I can't be heartbroken because nothing would have ever happen in the first place. I live too much inside my head which causes a lot of my wanting to run. Run away from everything. Start over and do my best to not have a permanent frown on my face. I love the people in my life, but I'm not always happy.

There are a couple of guys I like but I will never have the courage to do anything about it. One of them is a customer of mine, who happens to be five years younger than me, and the other is an online pen pal that I did actually get to meet once. It's hard being an introvert. I don't want to always be alone, but at the same time, I don't always want to be around people. It's confusing I know.

 Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow is a new year. I have big plans for myself and we'll see if I can actually stick to them.

Broken

This is the first Monday (well actually it's Tuesday because it's after midnight) of my vacation. My body woke up at 7am like normal and I just had to do something that is a first in my life. And I managed to not scream. Are you proud of me?

So it all started when I woke up to all of my blankets up around my head. If you know me, you'll know that I sleep under five blankets when it is 90-some degrees out at 3am in the middle of summer. I have 9 blankets (including the sheet) on my bed right now. I can't help it. It gets below 40 degrees right now at night. I'm surprised that I don't have more. Anyway... So I got up to fix them and as I rounded the corner of my bed, WHAM. My little toe slams right into the wheel of my luggage. I knew I needed to move that before I tripped over it. Like I said before, I didn't scream or even (really) curse.

I managed to get back in bed and sleep for another 3-1/2 hours (seriously, I'm on vacation). When I woke up, my toe was still throbbing. When I looked down, it was swollen and slightly bruised. Great. I have managed to break the first bone in my body, unless you want to count the two teeth I broke when I was seven at my babysitter from hell's house. Different story for another time. Not breaking anything for the 31 years I've been alive has been unbelievable. I'm little bit of a klutz.

The worst part about this happening now is that we will be in Disneyland on Sunday. I have to walk around Disneyland with a freaking broken toe for six days. Even my doctor was laughing at me today and both he and his wife were amazed that I got a shoe on my foot. I am determined to get throughout this without a wheelchair. Been there. Done that. Also another story for another time.

Well I probably should go to bed since the toe is throbbing. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Back at It and My Newest Journey

I've been getting the itch to blog again. I haven't sat at my computer to write a post for about two years. This is my way of expressing what I'm feeling and to relieve stress. So here I go again.

I have started a new journey in my life, again. Two weeks ago I started Weight Watchers and I have made a pact with myself that I will stick with it. I started my first weight loss journey in 2008 when I went to the doctors and was shocked when I stepped on the scale. I hadn't weighed myself in years before that. So you can imagine my surprise when it popped up with 275 lbs. By the middle of 2009, I had lost 50 lbs following the things I learned from watching The Biggest Loser. Shortly after, I hit a painful bout of depression and in four years, I have gained 60 lbs. Depression is hard to get out of and I was put on Celexa which is an anti-depressant. It helped for a long time but I hated the idea of taking a pill in order to be happy. I stopped taking my Celexa about six months ago. I stopped taking it "cold turkey" even though I knew that you don't do that with an anti-depressant. I have been doing okay without it.

While I know that being bullied in school hasn't helped me over the years, I don't blame those students for my weight gain. That was all me. Coming to terms with that is one of the biggest steps in helping me to lose weight. The only thing I can blame them for is lowering my self-esteem to the point where it is almost non-existent, even now at 31-years-old. Looking at pictures of me when I was younger, I wasn't fat or huge like I felt. I have a hard time excepting who I am and letting people see the real me.

My depression scares my family and I know that. A few weeks ago I put this post on Facebook:

I am canceling eHarmony tomorrow. There is no point to it. The type of guy I'm attracted to wants nothing to do with me. Every time someone brings up the subject it always ends up going to the point that I'm the only one who has to change everything about me in order to get a guy to notice me. I'm tempted to lose all this weight just to prove to everyone that it doesn't matter if I'm fat or skinny, I'm never getting married or having kids. I'm invisible and I'm not changing who I am just to please everyone else.

When I joined Weight Watchers I told myself that I am doing this for me. No one else. Right now I've only lost one pound, but I feel great about that. Working full-time, I don't want to exercise when I come home. I need to force myself to. Make a workout schedule and stick with it. I fell in love with yoga and I haven't done that in a long time. I think I would feel better if I did yoga when I wake up and just before bed at night.

I want to let anybody who reads this follow my weight loss journey with me. This truly is for me and me alone, but if I can inspire someone who might be feeling the same as me, then I feel like I've done something useful with me life.