I saw the hashtag #whyimsingle on Twitter or maybe even somewhere else on my computer. I'm not sure. Anybody who knows me knows I HATE Valentine's Day with a passion and why. I've written about being single before, many, many times, but for some reason I feel like this year is somehow different even though nothing has changed.
Three days ago my grandfather was admitted into the hospital with the flu and pneumonia. His prognosis wasn't good and still isn't. He's 82 years old and that combination isn't good for anyone. My grandparents have been married for 59 years. Tonight I've realized all the things Pa will probably never get to experience with me in my life; me getting married, having kids and basically being happy with my life. I'm not happy about where my life is to be completely honest.
I've also written about my depression and being an introvert. Honestly those two things have a lot to do with why I'm single. How can someone love me when I'm not in love with myself? My depression has been at its worst over the last five years or so. Eight months ago today (it does not feel like that long) I quit my job after five and a half years because I got so stressed, and because I'm a stress eater, I gained about 30 pounds in two months. Soon after I quit, my grandma and I started walking every morning and I started losing the weight that I put on. After my whole experience in November last year (see my last post), I had lost about 36 pounds since quitting my job. I've only gained back about four to six of those pounds, mostly to do with my depression. I can't exercise like I want because my lungs are not back to 100% and may never be. I have to come to terms with that.
I also need to come to terms with the fact that I am who I am and maybe there is someone out there that will love me for me. But that is the hardest thing I face in life and it is the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around.
I've never been the popular one. I was bullied and those negative statements tend to control my thoughts about how I feel about myself even today. Being told over and over and over and over that you are not pretty takes a toll on you. I lost all self-esteem about 20 years ago and I'm not sure if I will ever get that back. I cannot look in the mirror and see a pretty girl staring back. It's not possible for me to do that. Maybe that will change. Maybe not. I don't know.
I had this whole post planned out in my head while I was in the shower and now I can't remember half of the things I wanted to say. But I will start again with the title of this post.
I'm single because I just am. I've always been single. I turn 33 in exactly two weeks and I still have never had a boyfriend. I can still count the number of dates I've been on on one hand and will still have fingers left over. I have not been kissed in 11 years and even then I've only been kissed once in my life. The summary of my life is pathetic. Even if by some miracle I have children, I don't have any stories to share. I was always the odd friend out at the school dances because I never got asked and there was no way my introvert self would ask a guy. That just wasn't going to happen and still won't to this day. I will not be the one asking someone out. I am not that brave.
While I struggle with being the type of person I want to be in my head, it's not going to happen. I will never be confident enough in myself to allow another person to see the real me. One thing that goes along with depression is being able to put on a smile every day and say you're okay with everything when you're screaming "LIAR" inside your head.
There is so much I want to do in my life and while it would be great to have someone to experience them with me, I'm not sure if it will happen. People are constantly telling me that I need to stop looking and just let it happen, whatever "it" may be. That's not good enough for me. I've been waiting for over a third of my life and nothing has happened. I have a specific type of guy that I'm attracted to, but I'm invisible to them. There really isn't anything I can do to make them notice me.
I've never cared about how I look. I hate makeup and always will. I dress to be comfortable not fashionable. I don't necessarily care about the latest trends. I curse worse than a drunken sailor half the time. I am Pagan and proud of it. And yet people are always telling me that I have to change everything that makes me me. Again, I am who I am and someone will either like me or they won't. I don't want to change for anyone. Nor should I have to. I'm trying to lose weight to be healthy not to follow what society wants me to be. Society can fuck off for all I care. I tend to focus on celebrity crushes because I can't be hurt when they go off and get married to some other actress that is a size 2 or whatever.
Regardless of everything I have written, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or have pity for me. My focus for this year is to live my life one day at a time and see where it leads me. If that happens to include a relationship great, but I'm not going to hold my breath and expect something to change.