Sunday, September 29, 2013

Back at It and My Newest Journey

I've been getting the itch to blog again. I haven't sat at my computer to write a post for about two years. This is my way of expressing what I'm feeling and to relieve stress. So here I go again.

I have started a new journey in my life, again. Two weeks ago I started Weight Watchers and I have made a pact with myself that I will stick with it. I started my first weight loss journey in 2008 when I went to the doctors and was shocked when I stepped on the scale. I hadn't weighed myself in years before that. So you can imagine my surprise when it popped up with 275 lbs. By the middle of 2009, I had lost 50 lbs following the things I learned from watching The Biggest Loser. Shortly after, I hit a painful bout of depression and in four years, I have gained 60 lbs. Depression is hard to get out of and I was put on Celexa which is an anti-depressant. It helped for a long time but I hated the idea of taking a pill in order to be happy. I stopped taking my Celexa about six months ago. I stopped taking it "cold turkey" even though I knew that you don't do that with an anti-depressant. I have been doing okay without it.

While I know that being bullied in school hasn't helped me over the years, I don't blame those students for my weight gain. That was all me. Coming to terms with that is one of the biggest steps in helping me to lose weight. The only thing I can blame them for is lowering my self-esteem to the point where it is almost non-existent, even now at 31-years-old. Looking at pictures of me when I was younger, I wasn't fat or huge like I felt. I have a hard time excepting who I am and letting people see the real me.

My depression scares my family and I know that. A few weeks ago I put this post on Facebook:
I am canceling eHarmony tomorrow. There is no point to it. The type of guy I'm attracted to wants nothing to do with me. Every time someone brings up the subject it always ends up going to the point that I'm the only one who has to change everything about me in order to get a guy to notice me. I'm tempted to lose all this weight just to prove to everyone that it doesn't matter if I'm fat or skinny, I'm never getting married or having kids. I'm invisible and I'm not changing who I am just to please everyone else.
When I joined Weight Watchers I told myself that I am doing this for me. No one else. Right now I've only lost one pound, but I feel great about that. Working full-time, I don't want to exercise when I come home. I need to force myself to. Make a workout schedule and stick with it. I fell in love with yoga and I haven't done that in a long time. I think I would feel better if I did yoga when I wake up and just before bed at night.

I want to let anybody who reads this follow my weight loss journey with me. This truly is for me and me alone, but if I can inspire someone who might be feeling the same as me, then I feel like I've done something useful with me life.